Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Tommy Cooper jokes
1 . Two blondes walk into a building.... ......you' d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Class-ified ads!
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers -
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Monday, June 09, 2008
The position 69
The position 69 is like driving in rush hour traffic!!
...there's always an asshole in front of you!!!
...there's always an asshole in front of you!!!
Women's Arse size study
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Lords creation!
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.' "
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole thing.
The pope's view
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day.
They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
HEADLINES 2027
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the world's seventh largest country, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
France appeals for global help after being invaded by Jamaica
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
France appeals for global help after being invaded by Jamaica
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Effective Communication
What is Effective Communication ??
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would
be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says,
"No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would
be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says,
"No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
The wish list!!
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. '' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. '' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''
MEDICAL TERMS
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised, no rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated
they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists each yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Grow
up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands off the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say, 'no.'
The dentists clenched their teeth and showed their disapproval.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated
they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists each yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Grow
up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands off the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say, 'no.'
The dentists clenched their teeth and showed their disapproval.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Indians and yeehaaaaaa
A woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode
off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a"
so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!"
and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"
asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him
on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto
the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said , "Indians don't use saddles.......!!!!"
part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode
off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a"
so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!"
and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"
asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him
on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto
the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said , "Indians don't use saddles.......!!!!"
Washington post's Mensa invitational
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
Unfair advantage
Opportunities presnt themselves in life. But decisions should be well thought out because all of us have differential skills.
Read this story.
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is
surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat
next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant
walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
'Hey, you,' says the parrot, 'Bring me a whiskey and
soda, and make it snappy!'
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A
minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the
parrot pipes up again: 'Goddammit, you lazy whore,
where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! '
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and
returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides
to get some quick service for himself.
'Hey, woman,' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And
don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to
the front of the plane. In a flash she returns with
the First Officer and two burly male flight
attendants.
The three crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,
jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out
of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two are hurled out the door, the parrot says to
the man, 'Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got
a lotta balls.' .
Read this story.
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is
surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat
next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant
walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
'Hey, you,' says the parrot, 'Bring me a whiskey and
soda, and make it snappy!'
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A
minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the
parrot pipes up again: 'Goddammit, you lazy whore,
where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! '
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and
returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides
to get some quick service for himself.
'Hey, woman,' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And
don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to
the front of the plane. In a flash she returns with
the First Officer and two burly male flight
attendants.
The three crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,
jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out
of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two are hurled out the door, the parrot says to
the man, 'Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got
a lotta balls.' .
THE OLDER WOMAN
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.
What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.
What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
BIBLE SALES
If this doesn't make you laugh just go ahead and close your casket!!!
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church
last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church
last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??
CATHOLIC HORSES
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a Horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a Horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
Monday, February 25, 2008
Cell Phones and Loos
Bathroom
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down in the bathroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."EPITAPHS
Browsing Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The
Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me
for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
==============================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
==============================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==============================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
==============================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==============================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==============================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent .
Until I knowent which way you went.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
New Holiday/ Celebratory day
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
This is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak, Blow Job & Shut-the-Fuck-Up Day." Simple, effective, and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, and shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and "Steak, Blow Job & Shut-the-Fuck-UpDay" will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT MUCH HARDER in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love andpeace to this crazy world.
This is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak, Blow Job & Shut-the-Fuck-Up Day." Simple, effective, and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, and shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and "Steak, Blow Job & Shut-the-Fuck-UpDay" will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT MUCH HARDER in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love andpeace to this crazy world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
