Cell Phones and Loos

Bathroom

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down in the bathroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,

"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

EPITAPHS

Browsing Old Cemeteries

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The
Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me
for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing
on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent .
Until I knowent which way you went.

New Holiday/ Celebratory day

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.

This is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak, Blow Job & Shut-the-Fuck-Up Day." Simple, effective, and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, and shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and "Steak, Blow Job & Shut-the-Fuck-UpDay" will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT MUCH HARDER in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love andpeace to this crazy world.

mammograms!

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
AND, just a thought for all the women out there....... .
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,MENopause... ........
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?........ And
When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy! !!!
Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!! !!!

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Here's why...

Dear Walter:I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him! He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter.

De-mystifying officalese

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundlyinappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT.Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
* 404.Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badgesdisplaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* SALAD DODGER.A phrase for an overweight person.
* MONKEY BATH .A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise a t 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will berequired every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.