A woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode
off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a"
so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!"
and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"
asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him
on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto
the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said , "Indians don't use saddles.......!!!!"
Monday, April 14, 2008
Washington post's Mensa invitational
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
Unfair advantage
Opportunities presnt themselves in life. But decisions should be well thought out because all of us have differential skills.
Read this story.
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is
surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat
next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant
walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
'Hey, you,' says the parrot, 'Bring me a whiskey and
soda, and make it snappy!'
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A
minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the
parrot pipes up again: 'Goddammit, you lazy whore,
where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! '
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and
returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides
to get some quick service for himself.
'Hey, woman,' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And
don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to
the front of the plane. In a flash she returns with
the First Officer and two burly male flight
attendants.
The three crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,
jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out
of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two are hurled out the door, the parrot says to
the man, 'Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got
a lotta balls.' .
Read this story.
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is
surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat
next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant
walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
'Hey, you,' says the parrot, 'Bring me a whiskey and
soda, and make it snappy!'
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A
minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the
parrot pipes up again: 'Goddammit, you lazy whore,
where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! '
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and
returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides
to get some quick service for himself.
'Hey, woman,' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And
don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to
the front of the plane. In a flash she returns with
the First Officer and two burly male flight
attendants.
The three crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot,
jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out
of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two are hurled out the door, the parrot says to
the man, 'Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got
a lotta balls.' .
THE OLDER WOMAN
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.
What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.
What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
BIBLE SALES
If this doesn't make you laugh just go ahead and close your casket!!!
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church
last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church
last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??
CATHOLIC HORSES
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a Horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a Horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
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